The Early Years

My First Duty Station

Basic training was…well very busy. It’s designed to be, if I had too much down time I would’ve gotten into more shenanigans than I did to begin with. I won’t go too far into Basic because it’s not that relevant to my overall story. I made some good friends during the time. Most of whom are all out of the military at this point. After all the training, I went to an army base in the mid-west, still not going to say exactly what my job is, or where I went since it’s a small MOS and I would rather not have anyone track me down.

The first two (ish) years of my career were pretty boring and basic. I did my job, trained, slept, and made friends. One of those friends I’m still close with today. Even after coming out, he didn’t abandon me or our friendship. I do have other people I am on friendly terms with but have definitely put me at arm’s reach after I came out.

I came into the Army during the ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ time period and it made me more afraid to say anything about my own sexuality or gender identity. Granted, the military wouldn’t send me to jail just because I wasn’t cis-het, but I’d get chaptered (removed) out and would be right back where I came from in the exact same situation I left. There were openly gay soldiers that I worked with, but they never talked about it, especially in a work situation so they didn’t have to worry about someone reporting them and they’d get kicked out.

One of these friends, I’ll just call him Iain for the story, introduced me to Boondock Saints, Hellraiser, and a plethora of other really good movies. Iain is the only friend from the early Army days and even pre-Army that’s tried to stay in my life and has gone out of their way to be understanding of who I am.

Anyway, I kept myself busy with my newfound freedom so I wouldn’t have to worry about my identity. If I wasn’t at work, I was either playing whatever brand-new video game or at a movie theater watching whatever new movie was out. I refused to let myself worry about who I really was. After all, how could I? People could be chaptered out for being different. Those cameras were still on me, still expecting me to be this guy I didn’t really know how to be. I mimicked other people so they wouldn’t think I was less manly than they were. Looking back, I understand how I made myself lesser in my own head just so I could fit in with people I thought were supposed to have all the answers.

I made myself the young soldier I thought I was supposed to be. I did the things guys were supposed to do. All that time though, I would sneak glances at the dresses, the makeup, and the ‘girly’ stuff. I wanted it, I wanted it so bad it hurt. It hurt to the point that I wanted to kill myself at one point.

I didn’t even though I tried. I started burning myself during that time as well. I wanted to take my mind off that pain. That pain of not being the person I saw in the mirror. I told everyone else that the depression was from being away from my home environment. That I was having trouble fitting into a new situation and how different and difficult being in the military was.

But it was a lie. A lie I told everyone, including myself. A lie that I told so often that I eventually began to believe it myself. A lie that became my truth for a long time.

I was starting to feel better after some time in therapy. I don’t remember that person’s name, but they helped me with the anxiety and depression. Although they couldn’t help me with the real underlying issue, which was my gender identity.

Eventually, another friend of mine (not Iain), convinced me to reenlist and go with him to South Korea. It was part of the reason I wanted to join the military, to see places so different than the deep south where I grew up. It took a little convincing, but I agreed. I had to wait almost a year before I went, but I signed on the dotted line for an extra three years of my life to be spent in the Army.

It was worth it in its own way. I went to Korea and met the person I would fall in love with, marry, and have children with.

That’s next time though. On my next post, I’ll talk about the first 2 years I spent in Korea, meeting my future spouse, and how those two years shaped the rest of my life.